Since it has been some time since my last personal blog post, I thought you might like to peek inside my personal journal. This journal was where I wrote my personal thoughts about the malpractice, my condition, how I was changing and every day life. This journal was subpoenaed by the defense and I read it line by line to the jury.
The following is my first entry:
I have never been much of a writer. I am pretty much a 100% verbal communicator. As a pharmaceutical sales representative I disliked doing two things (1) my expense report and (2) my mid year and annual self assessments. I disliked the expense report because it was just a monotonous pain in the ass and I disliked the self assessments because I had to write down every success and goal I met and/or exceeded for that year and go on and on and on about my fabulous ability as a sales professional. In essence it was the one time you bragged about yourself and your abilities. I’ve never been braggadocious and it just always felt strange to me.
I now must do one of the most heart and gut wrenching self assessments of my life. The before July 6, 2009 Mary compared to the after. A self assessment/comparison of how I have changed. They are not happy, good changes but the kind of changes that if some soothsayer were to have told me before July 6, 2009 I would have tried to have had him committed as incompetent.
Moving forward from 7:37am July 6, 2009 until now can best be described as my worst nightmare. Trusting Mary as far as people and their intentions is gone. I used to be trusting to a fault almost. Others usually would have to prove many times that they were untrustworthy and I would even then hold on to the hope that I could still trust them. That Mary is now gone unless you are my family or oldest and dearest friends. I’ll call it my “circle” because my “circle’ is all that I know. My “circle” is my world now and that circle is now very small and lonely. If you are not within my “circle”, I may not show it but I meet you with as much skepticism and fear as I would a paroled serial killer. Very few if any have earned their trust with me. You pretty much get one chance now. My attitude is now, “Prove me wrong rather than prove me right.”
I’ll have to say that the most significant and extreme change is my perception of physicians, nurses, clinicians, hospitals and the entire medical system as a whole. For almost 12 years I worked in the field and the world of healthcare was my customer and I respected these customer with every ounce of my being. They were great friends and professionals that I put upon a pedestal. They were well-educated, ethical healers that I believed in and trusted. From a patient’s perspective I took their word as the gospel. I never questioned their judgement, believed they were there to help me, and I believed them to be truthful. I believe most of our society believes as I did too and it quite honestly all makes me physically ill now.
I was naïve and I think that is what angers me. I feel stupid! Just because MD, RN, CRNA, etc. follows a person’s name on a lab coat doesn’t mean they are the “expert” they claim to be. I can see now what I did but chose to look past it as a professional. Along with those titles comes an ego and many times that ego gets in the way of their judgment. Mistakes happen and I realize no one is perfect, but most medical mistakes can be quickly identified and corrected.
I had to learn the hard way about my customers and personal clinicians. It was like a baseball bat to the head. I endured what is probably every patient’s worst nightmare. I no longer see the healthcare community as I did before. In fact I fear it as much as I fear going through the horror of what happened that morning of July 6, 2009 again. Simply walking into a hospital or the thought of going into one causes a paralyzing panic attack. The thought of anyone in my family going into surgery puts me right back on the OR table fighting for every bit of oxygen I could get. The thought of my children being possibly tortured like I was paralyzes me. I want to monitor any further surgeries. I do not want to go to the doctor anymore for the fear of them telling me I must have surgery and I fear for my children, husband, parents, brother and in-laws in the same way.
I miss my career. I was a dedicated hard-working mother who took pride in the juggling act I performed everyday. I miss ME!
